The Man in the Moon
by Green Owl
Summary: "Your mission, if you choose to accept it – and you'd better, according to your mother – is to romp heartily with your cousin Kaylee, play in the dirt, go crazy over boys, maybe even get into a little trouble." A sweet little AU story about love, laughter, heartache, and coming of age, starring River Tam and Jayne Cobb.
1. Pareidolia

Title: "Pareidolia"  
Series: _The Man in the Moon_  
Author: Green Owl  
Word Count: 3,900+  
Pairing: River Tam + Jayne Cobb  
Rating: PG (Regan Tam shows some skin, River calls her brother a name, Gabriel Tam encourages misbehavior)  
Summary: AU. The Tams are sending their youngest on a vacation, but River's not quite enthusiastic about her destination.

Disclaimer: I don't own or buy/sell/process this mind crack - I just abuse the _hell_ out of it.

* * *

"Correct your posture, River," the woman ordered in a tone that was cool and smooth as the satin slip she wore.

Standing in the midst of the vast glacially white dressing room, River Tam glanced up from her feet to watch her mother apply rouge to her pale, flawless skin.

"As I have said many times this week, we have already discussed this, and this conversation is swiftly becoming wearisome."

Regan Tam sat at her dressing table, a slender marble goddess readying herself for an evening's politicking. Self-possessed, confident and glamorous, she seemed as distantly cold to her daughter as the Reesho queen for whom she was named.

"With all due respect, Mother, _we_ did not discuss this._ I_ did not know about this until three days ago," River ventured quietly, trying to stand up straighter.

"By 'we', I meant your father and I," Regan clarified, examining the perfection of her cheekbones before reaching for her lipcolor. "Have you finished packing?"

"Yes, ma'am," River replied, casting her eyes down to the thick carpeting where her normally elegant feet twisted in a grotesque parody of childish timidity.

"Excellent," Regan said before running the tube of luxurious color over her lips with detached grace. "Now go to bed. You have a long journey ahead of you tomorrow."

River hesitated for a moment, glancing at the folded document clenched in her hand as she bit her lip.

Regan glanced over at her daughter in the mirror. "Yes?"

"It's still not too late for you to enroll me in the Academy's summer program!" River said quickly, unfolding the piece of paper and showing it to her mother. "Dr. Mathias says they are willing to clear a spot for me if you and Daddy consent to sign the enrollment form. I can pay for the tuition with my own savings –"

"No." Regan answered brusquely, halting her daughter's impromptu speech without looking away from her reflection.

River stepped back reflexively, her teeth snapping shut with an audible click.

Regan took a deep breath and put down the lipcolor before turning her attention to her younger child. "River, you must understand that this is for your own good."

"But, Mother, it's so…so _bù gōng_!" River protested, words bursting from her lips before she could dam them. "I can't go ten whole weeks without –"

"Silence," Regan ordered quietly, holding up an impeccably manicured hand. "I don't wish to revisit the subject again. Consider it closed."

"Yes, ma'am," River replied, looking down again at the toes of her slippers. She bent down and air-kissed her mother's cheek, careful not to smudge the make-up that had been applied with such care and precision. "Good evening, _mǔ qīn_."

"Good night, _nān_," Regan replied in a calm tone as she rose and crossed to the section of the dressing room where her considerable collection of formal gowns hung.

River paused for a moment, watching her mother select an ice blue frock from the rack and wondered, not for the first time, if the woman had hired a surrogate to gestate her brother and herself.

"If you're not in bed in ten minutes, _xiǎo jie_, I will have your brother administer a smoother and you'll wake up halfway to Shadow without getting a chance to make your farewells to the staff," Regan said casually as she held the gown against the white fur stole already selected for the evening.

River shivered as she left the perfectly climate-controlled room.

* * *

"Are you really going to try and smuggle that out of the house, _mei mei_?" Simon Tam asked, watching his nightgown-ed sister attempt to stuff yet another electronic device into her already-full carry-on bag. "Mrs. Dao is under orders to inspect your luggage with a fine-tuned metal detector before you leave tomorrow and she's sure to confiscate it."

River paused in the act of trying to wedge the _Niú Jīn Dà Xué_ Chinese Dictionary into one of the many side pockets and sank down onto the upholstered bench at the foot of her bed.

"No harm in trying, _ge ge_," she whispered miserably as she wrapped her arms around her waist.

He crossed the room and added his own arms to the hug. "Shhh, this isn't the end of the world."

"It certainly looks like it from where I sit," she whispered bitterly, leaning on his shoulder and his strength.

"I know," he said, stroking her hair. "I know."

She looked around her bedroom, taking in the pale, cold décor her mother had chosen for her when she was still a toddler.

The entire Tam estate was designed to give the impression of understated, tasteful, and "old money," from the authentic granite statue of Buddha from Earth-That-Was in the parlor to the black walnut paneling in the foyer, to the steel blue patterned satin coverlet of River's bedspread. She understood the attempt to convey prestige and security, but she hated the duplicity of it, pretending to be cultured and urbane when her mother's friends and associates were just a shade away from savages in the ways they engineered plots within plots, always scheming to gain power over each other.

River had always been highly intuitive, but something had subtly shifted in the past few years, as if adolescent hormones were acting on her maturing brain, making it an antenna for people's feelings and, sometimes, their thoughts.

The signals, once fuzzy in her childhood, had gradually grown clearer and clearer, especially if she wasn't paying attention to blocking them out and someone happened to touch her.

It was worst during the most recent spate of parties when Mother had Mrs. Dao do up River's hair, doll her up in silk and lace and ribbons, and make her navigate through the piranha-infested waters of the eager politicians that filled her home. They were all in a frenzy to ingratiate themselves with the rich and powerful Councillor Tam and their nasty mental asides gnawed at River's composure.

"What a pretty little lady your daughter is, Councillor. Shooting up like a little weed, isn't she?"

_(Not as pretty as my Umeko, and my, my, but that girl says the most peculiar things. Her parents should have taught her better manners…)_

"Have you settled on a husband for your daughter yet, Mrs. Tam? My Chauncey's just about her age and I'm sure they would suit each other quite nicely."

_(As would their fortunes...)_

"Your daughter's such a little beauty, Regan!"

_(Definitely gets her looks from that husband Tam bought herself all those years back…)_

It seemed to River that the only way to detach herself from the social gatherings and their resulting spiritual fatigue was to literally distance herself as much as possible. She found that few people accosted her if she secreted herself in her room with her books or engineered "extra" ballet practices where even though the signal came through, it was effectively drowned out by the mental and physical exhaustion from studying and dancing.

Within weeks, she'd become so adept at avoiding parties and fundraising events that it seemed her mother had forgotten all about her and River was left mostly to her own devices.

Unfortunately, in her attempt to pursue her education even further by asking for permission to attend the new government-sponsored academy on Londinium, she had once again attracted her mother's attention.

Things came to a head after an especially embarrassing incident that happened backstage after one of River's performances in Swan Lake.

_Drat that D'Arbanville woman!_

"Why Mother is punishing me?" River asked, wiping her eyes with the back of one of her hands. "I didn't do anything wrong!"

"She is not punishing you, _mei mei_," Simon insisted.

She gave him a withering look. "She's sending me to a piddling backwater planetoid for the entire campaign season while she runs for yet another upgrade in Parliament, and I'm not allowed to even take a tablet! If that does not constitute punishment, then what does?"

"A vacation?" he suggested tentatively.

"Why would I need a vacation?!" she demanded, craving the case of librochips above her writing desk.

"I don't know," he said, peering into her carry-on bag and noting the massive collection of books-on-disc that she'd attempted to cram into every available nook. "Maybe because Mother thinks you need to get some fresh air?"

"There's plenty of fresh air here!" she said, drawing her knees up and hugging them to her chest. "And ballet classes and libraries and that quantum physics symposium I've been looking forward to attending since they announced it last fall. All of it perfectly respectable and much more affordable than passage to the Outer Rim, where I'll be lucky to see a Cortex screen. They probably don't even have plumbing!"

He patted her back. "No pouting, _mei mei_. At least you get to have a vacation. Me, I'm going to be cooped up in little better than a floating field hospital, trying to make do with equipment and mindsets straight out of the Bronze Age."

She smiled wryly. "I don't suppose you'd be open to smuggling texts for credits, would you?"

"With Mother and Father having all of your post opened before it gets to you? Not a chance even a joketome would make it through," he answered, shaking his head.

She sighed as she looked out the window, where the Thoth hung in luminous splendor in the Osiris night sky. "Ten weeks with no Cortex…I'll be the idiot child when I return."

"Hardly," he scoffed before he got up and crossed to the door. "Look on the bright side of the moon – I know Shadow's barely civilized, but at least you know when you arrive they'll have 'running water.'"

"Not funny, _dà shǎ guā_!" she called as she shot to her feet, suppressing the urge to throw something at his head as he beat a hasty retreat.

An imposing, shadowy figure filled the doorway. "River Nǚ-Shén Tam, what would your mother say if she heard such language?"

Gabriel Tam, entirely striking in his evening wear, stepped into the room carrying an armful of clothing.

River took a step back, instantly contrite. "_Duì bu qǐ_, _bá ba_. I know I am supposed to be abed."

"Don't fret, peaches," he said sotto voce, doing his best to not chuckle as he began laying the clothing out on the bench. "I'm not here to discipline; I come bearing gifts."

"What are those?" River asked, warily eyeing the items even though she was relieved that he was not angry.

"Your mother said you might need some casual garments while you're on Shadow, so I chose these for you from the vintage wearhouse down the street."

She stood up and perused the selection of tops and bottoms with half-hearted interest. "Hmmm. They're very practical."

Gabriel put an arm around his daughter's shoulders hugged her to him. "That's my girl-child, ever enthusiastic about fashion."

River peered more closely at the stitching on a pair of dark blue cotton pants and paled. "Dot-dot-dot, dash-dash-dash, dot-dot-dot!"

"What –? You're not getting sick, are you, peaches?" he asked, turning her about to check her forehead.

She tried her best silent, chewing on the inside of her cheek as her father looked for signs of fever in her temperature and her eyes, but she could feel the scorching scratchiness she identified as concern radiating off of him in waves. Her mouth opened of its own accord and the words came rushing out, "It's Morse code, Daddy - don't you see? S.O.S. – 'Specters on Shadow.' Even the trousers are telling me not to go!"

"Is that all? Here I was, afraid we'd have a replay of last month when you told Mrs. D'Arbanville she had 'blood on her hands.'" He gave her much the same droll smile she'd given her brother earlier before gathering her into his arms. "Peaches, you know your mother and I are proud of how easily your mind grafts patterns, but I'm pretty sure that Mr. Levi Strauss did not place a secret message in your denims."

She felt something in her soul coil with shame as she fought the burning in the bridge of her nose that signaled the onset of tears. "Is that why you and Mother are sending me away?"

He kissed the top of her head and rested his cheek against her hair. "We just want you to have a chance to have a normal summer. That's all."

"There's nothing 'normal' about a planet that chooses to model its culture on mid-20th century Americana, _bá ba_," she pointed out, carefully fingering the heavy stitching that had made her so uncomfortable moments ago.

He took her face in his hands. "_Nān nān_, how old are you?"

"Sixteen," she answered and took a deep breath. The conversation was a familiar one.

"And how many degrees do you have?"

"Three. One in comparative literature, one in astrophysics, one in Anglo-Sino music."

"And how many dates have you gone on in your entire life?"

She made a face as she remembered. "Three. All of them engineered by Mother."

"And all of them unqualified disasters through no fault of her own," he reminded her.

"It was not my fault the first two ran screaming when I launched into an in-depth explanation of string theory," she objected. "And the third, he lasted as far as dessert, but he headed for the hills when I told him I had no interest in politics and was investigating a career in animal husbandry on Muir."

He sighed as he set his hands on her shoulders. "Peaches, your sense of humor is not universally translatable. You need to learn how to interact with others. Shadow provides the ideal controlled environment for you to socialize with a minimum of danger; no one will know who you are. You can truly have an ordinary teenage experience."

She twisted her lips. "Can't you just ship me off with Simon and not tell Mother? I promise I won't get into trouble! I might even learn something useful while I'm on board."

He shook his head. "Afraid not, _nān nān_."

"It's so unfair!" she said, looking down at her bitten fingernails. "Most parents spend all of their time trying to get their children to study and I'm being penalized for relishing the education process."

"That's not the case at all," he said gently. "We just want you to have a little fun before you're too old to enjoy being young."

"Fun?" she asked, pulling back and looking wistfully at the walls of literature that adorned her room. "Fun would be scouring the Strand on Londinium for a reproduction scroll of the Book of the Dead."

"_Nān nān_, you've been on a mission your entire life to live up to your intelligence, all the while disdaining the questionable activities that the most ordinary of teenagers enjoys," he reminded her. He went over to her carry-on bag and began systematically removing the collection of encyclopedias, dictionaries, anthologies, and high-level mathematics chips she'd secreted in her socks. "Your mission, if you choose to accept it – and you'd better, according to your mother – is to romp heartily with your cousin Kaylee, play in the dirt, go crazy over boys, maybe even get into a little trouble."

She shot her father a skeptical look. "You _want _me to get into trouble?"

"Why not?" he said, patting her head affectionately before counting the chips and placing them in his breast pocket. "I think a little mess or two would do you some good."

"What about Mother?" she asked, the beginnings of a smile tugging at the corners of her mouth.

He shared a co-conspirator smirk with his daughter. "What Mrs. Tam doesn't know won't hurt her, now will it?"

"No, I don't suppose it would," she said, gazing with unabashed yearning at the calculus chip that her father had extracted from the bundle of neck scarves she'd packed.

"I'll make a pact with you," he offered, holding up the chip for her perusal before adding it to the others he'd already removed from her luggage. "For every hour of play outside, you'll earn ten minutes in the local library, to be collected at the end of each week."

River's eyes flew up to her father's face. "_Zhēn zhèng_?"

"_Zhēn zhèng_, _nān nān_," Gabriel said, and held up a cautionary finger. "But don't even think about trying to falsify your accounting. Nothing gets past my sister, and you know it."

"Pact," she said, yawning as she extended her hand.

Her father shook it and then turned to the clothing on the bench. "Remember, all of this needs to be in your trunk before you leave tomorrow."

"I'll do it in the morning," she said, climbing into bed and pulling the covers up.

"And I'll make sure Mrs. Dao makes your favorite breakfast before she pads you down for further contraband," he promised, tucking her in with her favorite stuffed animal, a green rabbit named Chang-Ngo.

"Good night, my favorite daddy," she said, kissing his cheek. "I'll miss you dreadfully."

"Good night, my favorite girl-child," he said before he kissed her forehead, just as he had every night since she'd been born. "I'll miss you more."

"Daddy?" she asked, before he turned off the lamp by her bed.

"Yes, peaches?"

"There's a perfectly logical explanation for me seeing blood on Mrs. D'Arbanville's hands."

"Truly?" he asked, willing to humor her. "What would that be?"

"When she kissed my cheek, her breath smelled of heme," River explained, her brows quirking together. "And her thumb was damp when she gripped my hand. She'd pricked her fingers on the roses before she gave them to me."

"Such inconceivable intuition…definitely my daughter." Gabriel smoothed his daughter's hair back from her forehead. "Sometimes I think you missed your calling as a Companion."

Her eyes drifted shut as she whispered, "Better as a detective."

"Why's that?"

"Difficult to find true compatibility of spirit with others, _bá ba_," she replied as she smiled sleepily. "Most people irritate me."

"Verily. Neither you nor your mother suffer fools gladly," Gabriel acknowledged. "And I have to admit I'm glad that you're not growing up too fast. Sometimes I thank my lucky stars that the only male you'd willingly spend time with other than me and your brother is the 'man in the moon.'"

"Thoth is master of games, wisdom, writing, magic, mysteries," she said, nestling her cheek into her pillow. "Makes moonlight and measurements. Asks me to makes sense of the pieces. What more could I wish for?"

"What more, indeed?" he smiled to himself as he reached over and turned off the lamp by her bed. He stood up and walked over to the door, gazing at her serene face revealed by the light of the full moon. "Sleep well, _nān nān_. You are ever in my heart."

Her voice was soft and sweet as it carried to him across the room. "And you in mine,_ bá ba_."

* * *

As he closed the door, Gabriel Tam tucked the memory of the past ten minutes deep into his psyche. Who knew how long he would have until she was old enough to leave him and start her own family?

"Will she be all right?" Regan asked softly, placing a hand on his shoulder.

He turned to his wife, gorgeous in satin and fur with diamonds clips and a luscious gardenia decorating her pale gold hair. Her face was carefully composed, but he could taste the anxiety exuding from her.

"She'll be fine," he whispered, taking her in his arms and holding her, careful not to smudge or crush her. "Just a little headstrong and opposed to change."

"I hate having to play the villain," Regan declared in a low, frustrated tone, gloom shading her voice as she looked up into his eyes. "She's so obstinate! I never know what to say to her, to make her see reason."

Gabriel smiled as he led her down the hall. "Whether you like it or not, she is unquestionably your daughter, Regan. Would you have 'seen reason' at her age?"

"I suppose not," she admitted with a defeated smile before she took a moment to admire her mate. "My, my, don't we look dashing this evening? Husband, you do me credit."

"Wife, did you not say if there was any night during the Season that we had to look like a million platinum, this was it?" he reminded her with a roguish gleam in his eye.

Her grin widened. "So I did."

"Then let us hope that the voters think so, too," he added, assisting her down the stairs to foyer.

Mr. Tam, né Gabriel Serra, was what polite society referred to as a "trophy mate." Sinfully handsome, impeccably mannered and a genuine connoisseur of women, he had once been the most expensive male Companion that had ever debuted on Sihnon. Ten years of engagements later, Regan Tam outbid five hundred other heiresses to buy out his contract, and Gabriel retired from the whirlwind life of glamour to become the husband of one of the Core Worlds' most promising elected officials.

Some called it a brilliant political maneuver. Gabriel Tam was an outstanding networker, and his wife was sure to be included on any invitations extended by with his former clients, most of whom were once the daughters of Alliance officials and who now ran Parliament.

Others wondered if Mrs. Tam was attempting to thaw the public's opinion of her arctic personality by taking to husband a man who practically oozed warmth and charm out of his perfect pores.

Few suspected the truth, mainly because Regan Tam would more likely turn Browncoat than divulge the reason she'd chosen him as her spouse.

But he saw it in her eyes, felt it as he took her hand and helped her into the limousine: she loved him.

More than her very proper and refined upbringing would ever allow her to admit.

As they drove down the long lane that led to the street, Gabriel thanked all of his years of training in suggestion that he'd managed to get his wife to think it was her idea to let their daughter have at least one summer free of the stifling rules and restrictions of the Core.

It was too late to undo the damage that decades of public scrutiny – first as the daughter of Londinium's Head of Parliament, then as a Councilor herself – had done to Regan Tam, forcing her to practically bury her heart and render it inaccessible to anyone except her deeply intuitive husband.

River was more like her mother than she knew, and Gabriel was determined that his baby have the chance to be a child, to at least once live life fully without caring what anybody thought.

Tomorrow, his daughter would leave for Shadow and the care of his sister. Inara and her husband would know what to do.

Gabriel glanced up at Thoth, shining brightly in the night sky. He thought he could just make out a ghost of a smile on the stern, hawk-like face that the star-chitects had blasted into the craters of the moon when they lunaformed it, as if the Egyptian god of the moon approved of his course of action.

Perhaps he wasn't the only one in the family to see things that weren't there…

* * *

_bù gōng_ – "unfair" / "unjust"

_mǔ qīn_ – "Mother" (formal)

_nān_ – "child" / "daughter" (formal)

_xiǎo jie_ – "young lady" / "miss"

_mei mei_ – "little sister"

_Niú Jīn Dà Xué_ – "Oxford (College)"

_ge ge_ – "elder brother"

_dà shǎ guā_ – "big silly melon" ("jerk")

_Nǚ-Shén_ – "Maiden" (River's middle name)

_Duì bu qǐ_ – "I apologize"

_Bá ba_ – "Daddy"

_Nān nān_ – "little darling" / "baby"

_Zhēn zhèng_ – "Really?"


	2. Mare Imbrium - Part 1

Title: "Mare Imbrium, Part 1"  
Series: _The Man in the Moon_  
Author: Green Owl  
Word Count: 2,500+  
Pairing: River Tam + Jayne Cobb  
Rating: PG (Mr. Cobb asks his wife to "kill" one of their sons)  
Summary: AU. River Tam arrives on Shadow and meets Mr. & Mrs. Cobb.

Disclaimer: I don't own or buy/sell/process this mind crack - I just abuse the _hell _out of it.

* * *

_What could be keeping Uncle Mal?_ River Tam thought as she used the exposed skin between her little white glove and her jacket to wipe the perspiration from her forehead. _If he doesn't arrive soon, it is entirely possible that I will begin to sizzle in the sunshine like some kind of ambulatory breakfast meat._

Summer had come with a vengeance to the northern hemisphere of Shadow, and the heat rippled in waves that near-to flattened those who, like herself, were not used to the soaring temperatures.

She was currently standing on the platform next to her trunk, slowly melting into a puddle of steam as she waited for her uncle. While she knew it would be cooler out in the residential section of the town, here at the depot station it was as mercilessly hot and humid as "the seven hells" her brother often swore about when their parents were not around to hear him.

What in the 'verse had possessed her to wear an outfit made of such a heavy fabric? It wasn't even mid-morning yet, and already her petticoat was wet through and bonded to her legs with a film of slippery sweat.

She opened her purse and started digging through the contents. _No handkerchief! Drat!_

River felt more than a little distraught as she plucked at the skirt of her traveling suit in an attempt to cool down. It didn't help. Droplets of perspiration were already forming on the backs of her thighs and making the long, slow, icky slide down to her ankles.

She very much wanted to wipe at the offending moisture, but sixteen years of rigid Core upbringing kept her posture perfect and her hands firmly clenched around the handle of her purse as she mentally kicked herself more than once for wearing so many layers.

"Guess'n ya didn't get the weather report for Hazard off the Cortex for today, didya, little one?"

River looked to her left and found a pristine square of embroidered white cotton being proffered by a middle-aged woman standing next to her.

The woman was very, very tall, at least six feet, with short golden blonde hair and brilliant dark blue eyes that twinkled like the absurdly expensive star sapphires Mother had worn to the most recent Inaugural Ball. She also had a kind, warm smile that River's awareness told her was genuine.

"Thank you, ma'am," River replied shyly as she accepted the folded cloth. "Yes, I was a bit distracted this morning."

"Understandable, this bein' yer first time on Shadow an' all," the woman said with an amused expression.

"How did you know?" River asked, more than a bit surprised.

The woman looked her up and down, gentle laughter sparkling in her eyes. "Yer wearin' a dark blue dress with a matchin' full-sleeved jacket, little white gloves, and – my word! – is that pantyhose you have on in this heat, young lady?"

"Yes, ma'am," River said, trying to smile as she daintily dabbed at her hairline and neck. She looked at the woman's very sensible light cotton dress, sandals, and lack of hosiery, and felt an extreme pang of embarrassment. The feeling only became more intense as she felt a blush start to singe her cheeks and the tips of her ears while the woman looked her up and down, shaking her head.

"Thank you, for the handkerchief, Mrs. –?"

"My name's Penelope Cobb, but most people just call me Nellie," she said, extending a large square hand.

"I'm pleased to make your acquaintance, Mrs. Cobb," River responded politely, taking her hand and dropping into a curtsey. "My name is River Tam."

"Well ain't that just the purtiest little trick I've ever seen," Mrs. Cobb commented, her entire face lighting up as she grinned down at River.

The lump of cold loneliness that sat in River's stomach butted up against the woman's glowing kindliness and melted just a little bit. Mrs. Cobb's smile made River think of safe, comforting things she usually associated with her father: _a warm fireplace on cold night…toasted blueberry muffins slathered with golden butter…a cool glass of water on a hot day…water… could use some water!_

"Excuse me, ma'am, do you know where I might find a water fountain?"

Mrs. Cobb pondered the question for a moment. "If I were much a wit-kicker as my Jayne, I'd be crackin' somethin' dire right 'bout now with regards to that question, yer name bein' 'River' an' all. But lucky for us both, I happen to have a lil' less trouble mindin' my manners. If ya'll just turn about, there's a bubbler behind ya. Why dontcha get yerself a quick sip?"

River smiled her thanks and moved as quickly towards the fountain as swiftly as her breeding allowed. The water wasn't very cold, but she was not about to complain as she took a long, careful drink. She then surreptitiously wet the handkerchief and used it to cool at her cheeks and neck as she made her way back to the platform.

"So, young'un," Mrs. Cobb began as River came to stand next to her luggage once more. "What brings ya here to Hazard? Are ya fixin' to stay or just passin' on through?"

River tried to take a deep breath, but it was akin to attempting to inhale through a wet blanket. She endeavored not to slouch. "I'm here for the summer, ma'am. And you?"

"Born and raised," Mrs. Cobb said. "Just got back from seein' one of my eight babies off to the service."

"Eight?" River inquired, taken aback.

It was an unheard number of offspring for a family to have in the Core; special licenses were required to even have a second child.

"Eight," the woman repeated proudly. "Reproduction laws don't apply out here on the Rim, so me an' the mister just relaxed an' let Mother Nature take 'er course."

River opened her mouth, about to say something when a tall, handsome, older man dressed in faded denim, dusty cowboy boots, and a beat-up Stetson hat came striding down the platform.

"Oh, thank the Lord an' Lady yer back, Nellie!" the man said, wrapping Mrs. Cobb in a bear hug. "I was near 'bout ready to end myself!"

"Slow down, honey!" Mrs. Cobb counseled, giving River an encouraging smile as she patted him on the back. "First, introductions. This young lady is Miss River Tam and we've been havin' a right nice visit while I've been waitin'. River, this is my husband, Lee Cobb."

He took a step back, took off his Stetson hat, and placed it against his chest. "Oh, 'cuse my haste! Charmed, Miss Tam, quite charmed."

"I'm pleased to make your acquaintance, Mr. Cobb," River replied as she curtsied again and took him in with one quick look. He was a tiny bit taller than her father, possibly the same age, and handsome in a rangy, grizzled, square-jawed way that made her think of sun-warmed leather, Kodiak bears, and the collection of phonographic recordings that her father had played for the two of them when she danced on his feet as a child.

Mr. Cobb quickly put his hat back on his head, using both sets of thumbs and forefingers to settle it as he returned his attention to his wife. "My hand to God, honey, I'm at my wit's end!"

"Why dontcha take a moment to get a lungful, and then tell me what happened?" Mrs. Cobb urged.

He worked his jaw as he took his wife's hands in his own. "I want you. To go home. And _kill_. That boy."

River's eyes widened as she pretended not to listen. _Oh dear, filicide? And so early in the morning, too. How exciting!_

"Which one?" Mrs. Cobb asked intently.

"Which one ya think?" Mr. Cobb shot back.

"He didn't."

"He _did_."

"_Again_?"

"Again."

Mrs. Cobb rolled her eyes. "Buddha George W. Shrub!"

Mr. Cobb nodded, grimacing. "Yep, that 'bout sums it up."

The couple appeared to be speaking some form of shorthand parental dialect that only they seemed to understand, but River could feel Mr. Cobb's vexation infecting Mrs. Cobb very successfully. It almost helped to take her mind off of the heat.

Almost.

Mrs. Cobb grinned as she caught sight of River's ever-widening eyes. "Dontcha worry none, sweet girl. We ain't gonna kill him, just dish out some punishment, Rim-style."

"'Rim-style'?" River queried.

Mr. Cobb folded his arms and became more than a little intimidating. "Usually it's the kind that includes foregoin' dinner and gettin' a whippin', but the young man in question is a mite too big for those old-fashioned methods. In such cases, we do a lil' improvisin'."

"Oh." River digested the information with no little amount of trepidation. She was too young to have a license to operate a moving vehicle, and the thought of the other two forms of discipline sounded extremely disagreeable. She did not envy Mr. and Mrs. Cobb's son in that moment.

"I s'pose the reason why you're tellin' me this is 'cause it's my turn to discipline the boy," Mrs. Cobb commented as she straightened her husband's lapels.

Mr. Cobb grimaced and something in his gaze softened. "I, uh, I left the punishin' to ya because I know I'm liable to go easy on him, on account o' him havin' yer pretty blue eyes an' all."

"Lee, honey, sometimes you can be such a pushover," she said, letting out a rueful chuckle.

"Can't help it," Mr. Cobb said, slinging an arm around her waist and kissing her cheek. "I missed ya, darlin'."

"I was only gone for three days," she replied before she kissed his lips.

"Still felt like an age," he muttered, kissing her back.

Their mutual devotion was palpable, but River didn't mind the additional warmth. It sparked her interest, this open fondness they had for each other. Her parents never indulged in any kinds of public displays of affection. She wondered if this was also something that was "Rim-style."

"Well, we're 'bout to take off. Are yer kin comin' to git ya or can we give ya a lift anywheres?" Mr. Cobb asked River as he shouldered his wife's traveling bag.

"No, but thank you kindly all the same. I'm sure my uncle will be here soon," River answered graciously.

"Such a little lady," Mrs. Cobb said with glowing approval as a teenage girl rushed out onto the platform, russet ponytail flying over her shoulder as she skidded to a stop.

River immediately coveted the sleeveless shirt and denim cutoff shorts the girl wore.

"Hi, Mrs. Cobb, Mr. Cobb!" the girl said, beaming at them. "Either you seen a girl 'bout my age what just arrived?"

"This one here the one yer lookin' for?" Mrs. Cobb replied, indicating River.

"Oh yes! Hi, River, how are you?" the girl said as she extended her hand. "I'm Kaylee!"

"It's a pleasure to make your acquaintance, Kaylee," River answered, shaking her hand gently as she recognized the girl from the captures Aunt Inara had forwarded to her.

The girl was pretty in a way that was wholesome, fresh, and unfamiliar to River because her expression was so open and sincere. It was very, very different from all of the covertly vicious Core girls she'd had been permitted to associate with by her mother.

"Me, too!" Kaylee replied, extending the handshake into a vigorous and welcoming pump that indicated her DNA was composed mostly of sweetness, high spirits, and hospitality. "Gosh, I'm so sorry you had to wait, but Momma's been cravin' sweets somethin' fierce and Pop got held up in Hammond's Confectionery's, strugglin' to choose 'tween circus peanuts and orange slices and plumb forgot 'bout the time, and when we looked up the train had come and gone, and so he sent me to letcha know we ain't forgot 'bout ya! Got any other luggage 'sides this beast?"

River couldn't understand most of what Kaylee had managed to cram into one breath, but she did recognize the word "luggage." "I only have my bag and this one trunk."

"Shiny!" Kaylee said, eyeing the trunk. "Fancible as it is, that there's big enough to hold a dead body an' prob'ly just as heavy. I'm thinkin' we're gonna need ourselves a forklift…or maybe some boys! Be right back in a sec, 'kay?"

And with another toss of her ponytail, she was gone.

"The heat does not affect her energy level, does it?" River ventured, looking to Mrs. and Mr. Cobb.

"Not a whit," Mr. Cobb said, grinning and shaking his head.

Mrs. Cobb agreed. "Girl works in Alleyne's Garage eight hours a day an' comes out as fresh an' cheerful as the moment she walks in."

"She works?" River asked, her curiosity sparked again.

"Most every young'un 'tween thirteen and twenty 'round here works in the summertime," Mrs. Cobb replied. "Helps to take their minds off the heat, especially if the place is air-conditioned."

"I hear tell she's got a way with machines," Mr. Cobb added. "Fixed my tractor up right nice when it broke down last month."

"But she…works?" River was still confused. _Wasn't Aunt Inara wealthy enough so that Kaylee didn't have to work?_

"Ain't no shame in earnin' an honest wage," Mr. Cobb muttered as he made his way up the platform. "None o' us are rich enough to slack off like those moneyed Corefolk that use our world for their favorite vacation spot."

River bit her lip as she tasted the faint acid in his voice. Tucked into her purse was a bankcard from the Union of Allied Planets which was loaded with several hundred credits. Her father had slipped it to her after Mrs. Dao's final pat-down for "illegal cargo." It was the equivalent of two and a half months' worth of her allowance, but the exchange rate for this planet meant she was in possession of a small fortune.

Mrs. Cobb noticed River's discomfort as she lagged behind her husband. "Here now, no unease, little one. Mr. Cobb gets a bit tetchy sometimes. We're havin' a barbecue tomorrow evening startin' 'bout six or so. Why dontcha bring yerself an' the Serras? I know Mal'd be right happy to not have to cook, an' it'll give ya a chance to meet my sons. They're wild ones when they're 'round other boys, but they're right nice to womenfolk."

River tried to smile, comforted by Mrs. Cobb's thoughtfulness. "Thank you very much, ma'am. I'll be sure to pass on the invitation."

"You do that," Mrs. Cobb said, patting River gently on the shoulder, then turned her attention to the entrance to the parking lot. "And here's lil' Kaylee with two strapping young men in tow, as usual."

Two tall, dark and handsome boys about Kaylee's age were trailing after her as she made a beeline for River.

"Excuse me, sweet girl, but I've got to go 'kill' that son o' mine right now or Mr. Cobb will get even more ornery," Mrs. Cobb said, giving River another sunny smile. "You make sure you stay cool, River Tam. This here summer promises to be one helluva scorcher."

"I will!" River called back, smiling gratefully as the woman caught up with her husband.

_Her children must be very nice. Perhaps this place will not be as bad as I thought it would be…._

* * *

_**Author Note: **_

_For those of you who have read this before on LiveJournal and have noticed changes in the story, please note that I am in the process of reviewing and editing it._

_No, we're not talking a ludicrous George Lucas-style "Greedo shot first" revamp, but a few tweaks here and there to grammar, word choice, and story flow, which will hopefully add to your enjoyment of the reading experience._

_The original version is available via my LiveJournal fan fiction archive, Scrinium Strigida Viridis, the link to which you can find on my FFN author page._


	3. Mare Imbrium - Part 2

Title: "Mare Imbrium, Part 2"  
Series: _The Man in the Moon_  
Author: Green Owl  
Word Count: 3,600+  
Pairing: River Tam + Jayne Cobb  
Rating: PG (Frankie and Ethan insult Kaylee's car and each other, River has severe book lust)  
Summary: AU. River Tam meets more people in our cast.

Disclaimer: I don't own or buy/sell/process this mind crack - I just abuse the _hell_ out of it.

* * *

Kaylee introduced the taller of the two boys she brought back with her as Ethan Cheng and the shorter one as Frankie Hammond.

"Mornin'," they said in unison as they swarmed around River's trunk and hefted it easily. They were both lanky, lean, and deeply sundarkened, and both had dark hair and hazel eyes, and yet despite their similarities, they looked nothing alike.

"Aren't they sweet?" Kaylee said, linking her arm through River's and following the boys to the car.

"Do I tip them?" River asked, dabbing at her forehead again as she experienced the dichotomous mix of the boys' personalities – Ethan, calm and thin-skinned; Frankie, volatile and hard-headed.

"Sakes, no!" Kaylee cried. "All they need is your thanks, and maybe a pop, and they'd be right happy."

"Pop?" River queried, trying to keep her face composed as she parsed Kaylee's previous usage of the word. _I need to get them each a father?_

"Ya know - 'soda'," Kaylee replied.

River gave her a blank look. "Soda?"

"It's somethin' to drink. Has bubbles in it," Kaylee clarified.

"Do you mean champagne?"

Kaylee giggled, but there was nothing remotely cruel about the sound. "Aintcha never had pop?"

"I don't think so," River said.

"Well we're gonna hafta do somethin' 'bout that!" Kaylee announced cheerfully.

They arrived at a large, ground-based, white and silver automobile that was parked awkwardly in the space it occupied. It had a white hardtop, four doors, and an extended rear cargo area. It had obviously seen better days; the door to the trunk made a noise somewhere between a rusty creak and a loud clank as Frankie opened it.

"One of just fifteen Haymer concept vehicles ever produced, this one was modeled after the 1956 Chevy Nomad," Kaylee said in a low, thrilling voice as the boys loaded the trunk into the back. "Full-width grille, round pod taillights, L-shaped side trim, elliptical rear wheel openings and the amazing Chevrolet V8 engine! Ain't it just a perfect dream of a car?"

River privately wondered if the "amazing engine Chevrolet V8 engine" would manage to start, because if looks were indicative of innards, they were probably going to be walking to her aunt's house.

"It's my baby. I call her 'Diana' 'cause she's my silver chariot," Kaylee confided in a blissful whisper as she gripped River's hand. She then turned to the boys, "Buy you each a pop?"

"That'd hit the spot!" Ethan said, slinging an arm around Frankie. "Pretty boy ain't working the family business this summer so he doesn't get the nepotist's special discount anymore."

Frankie slugged him playfully in the stomach. "Like you need anyone to buy you anything, swank!"

The boys continued to good-naturedly rib each other as they crossed the street and entered a pastel green storefront with "Hammond's Confectionery" painted in cool white letters across the large plate glass windows.

As they followed them in, River took the opportunity to ask her cousin a vocabulary question. "Kaylee, what does 'swank' mean?"

Kaylee looked a little shocked. "Don't let Pop catch ya saying that word, River! And if'n he does and you say I told ya, I'll deny it 'til the end of Shadow. It's a swear word."

"Swear word?" River asked, mystified.

"It's a word you ain't supposed to say," Kaylee clarified as she opened the door.

All thoughts of "swanks" and "swear words" vacated River's mind as the blessed chill of the air-conditioned shop brought immediate relief from the heat of the day and she took a look around.

Hammond's Confectionery was a visual feast for the eyes and the stomach. The long glass counter near the back displayed all sorts of chocolates and candies. The wall behind the counter was lined with clear jars containing sweets whose names and ingredients River could only imagine. There were also barrels of all kinds of nuts in their shells, vessels with treats wrapped in wax paper, and row upon row of glass cylinders containing loose candies that one could purchase by weight. On the opposite side of the shop was a tempting display of ice cream flavors, various types of cones and toppings, an immense collection of glasses grouped according to shape, and a series of metal dispensers arching from the counter.

"Dazzlin', ain't it?" Kaylee said, gesturing to displays of candy, some enclosed in bits of paper, others in plastic, and others loose in their jars and canisters. "I could spend all of my bits here with no trouble!"

"I think I am experiencing Stendhal's Syndrome," River muttered as she removed her soggy gloves, mesmerized by the vast array of shapes and hues that battered her retinas.

"That ain't contagious, is it?" Kaylee asked, glancing nervously at River.

"No," River said in a faraway voice as she attempted to ground herself by mentally estimating the number of jelly beans in one of the fifty dispensers that lined the top part of a wall. "Psychosomatic reaction to surfeit of beauty and/or choice."

"Do you need to sit down or somethin'?" Kaylee asked, unsure of what to do.

"Unnecessary," River answered, dragging her eyes away from the jelly beans and looking for a focal point to steady herself. She found it in the two people at the far end of the shop: the girl standing behind the counter, and the man standing in front of it. "Uncle Mal?"

He turned and recognized her with an increase of crinkles at the corners of his eyes and a grin tugging at the corners of his mouth. River breathed easy again as his protective, wily, and secretly tender paternal flavoring washed over her and returned her swiftly tilting world to center.

"Hey, little bit!" Mal called, greeting her by raising the wax-paper bag he held in right hand. "Won't be but a minute!"

"Is that your niece?" the girl behind the counter asked. She bore a strong resemblance to Frankie with her hazel eyes, dark hair, finely shaped nose and slim build.

"I think so," Mal said, extending his arm to gather River against him in a quick, welcoming hug that prevented her from curtseying. "Haven't seen her since I got hitched, but she looks a helluva lot like my very lovely and extremely pregnant wife, so I'll take it on faith that she is, in fact, Miss River Tam. You are, aren't you? Please say yes, or else I'm hugging a complete stranger!"

"Yes, I am," River said, smiling up at him. He felt like her father, but more easily flustered. She knew in an instant that there would be no whippings from Uncle Mal, though the question of food deprivation in the case of misbehavior was still undecided.

"Golly, it's so exciting to meet someone from the Core! Welcome to Shadow, River," the girl said, extending her hand. "I'm Dinah Hammond."

Nothing. River felt nothing coming from the girl. _How odd and soothing._

River gently shook Dinah's hand. "Are you the proprietor of this establishment?"

"Do I own the place?" Dinah asked, surprised. "Heck no! My pa, Doc Hammond, does."

"My brother is a doctor. Is your father one as well?" River asked, feeling her stomach contract as she tried to ignore the temptation of the chocolate and – _oh, my, is that peanut butter? how yummy!_ – that sat in the case right under her nose.

"Nope, they just call him that because folks swear his candies cure all known cravings," Dinah said, sliding open the case in front of her and selecting one of the treats over which River was salivating. She placed it on a piece of wax paper and slid it over to River. "Here, have a try. They're a family recipe. We call them peanut butter blossoms."

"Thank you very much," River said, fishing through her purse for her bankcard. "What is the price, if you please?"

"It's on the house," Dinah said with a quick smile. "On account of Mr. Serra being our best customer."

"Hey, it's my wife who's craving the circus peanuts by the pound, not me!" Mal corrected with mock seriousness.

River concealed a chuckle as she nibbled on the confection. It was every bit as wonderful as she thought it might be.

"Pop, I'm gonna steal River if'n it's okay with you," Kaylee said, taking the hand that River wasn't using to hold the candy. "Gonna buy her a pop – her first one, can ya believe it?!"

"No lie?" Mal said, grinning at his daughter and niece. "What do they make you drink on them Core planets? Nothing but plum wine and lemonwater?"

"Sometimes I'll have a protein shake, but only as a meal replacement," River tried to explain as Kaylee led her away from one counter to the other.

"Let's get the boys squared away and I'll introduce ya to Frankie's other sister," Kaylee said, bellying up to the bar and inviting River to do the same.

River looked at the girl standing behind the other counter as she carefully sat down on the round, tufted stool. She was so unlike Frankie and Dinah that River would never have thought her to be related to them. Their faces were oval and hers was heart-shaped. She was a fair-haired blonde to their deep brunets and her eyes were pale blue to their dark hazel. Her pink-white skin looked like it would not take kindly to exposure to the sun, while Frankie sported a deep tan and Dinah's was that shade of ivory that would be sun-kissed by the end of the month.

It was just the same as River's mother when she went out with her dark-haired husband and dark-haired children, but that was the contrariness that was genetics.

_So shows a snowy dove trooping with crows._

River braced herself for the golden girl's energy, expecting something akin to Regan Tam's deep space freeze.

It didn't come.

"You must be River Tam," the girl said in a soft vibrant voice that brought to mind the roses that rambled up trellises in Grandmother Serra's garden. "I'm Mary Hammond. Welcome to Hazard."

River smiled back at Mary, taking to her in spite of the pastel loveliness that reminded her of her mother. Perhaps it was the spray of dark gold freckles across the bridge of her nose or the dimple that winked in and out of her left cheek, but Mary Hammond was bread, warm and fresh from the oven, to Regan Tam's caviar-topped toast points.

"I'm very happy to meet you," River said, her words prompted by her reaction to the girl rather than her breeding.

"So what'll it be, boys?" Kaylee asked Ethan and Frankie.

"Cherry coke, Miss Mary," Ethan ordered, leaning on an elbow.

"Lemon," Frankie said, slapping his hand down on the counter. "And be quick about it, eh, lil' sis?"

River felt a pang of yearning for Simon's teasing as Mary mischievously stuck her tongue out at her brother.

"Strawberry, please," Kaylee requested.

River reviewed the enormous menu posted above the mirror that reflected their images until she located a list with all of the flavorings that had been previously mentioned.

"May I please have a 'vanilla coke'?" she asked.

"Coming right up!" Mary said.

River watched with fascination as Mary performed an intricately choreographed ballet of liquids, selecting the glasses, drawing the fizzy liquid from the taps of the steel arches, mixing in the requested flavorings, and then serving each of them up with fancy little circular napkins beneath the glasses.

"That'll be a dollar twelve," Mary announced as she placed a straw into River' drink.

River once more dug into her purse for her bankcard. She presented it and was taken aback when Mary gently pointed out a sign next to the menu.

"Sorry, River, cash-only."

"Oh," River said, her cheeks warming. "Do you know where I might find a credit-dispenser?"

"Two towns over," Ethan said, taking a long sip of his cherry coke. "And the banks don't open until Monday."

River's blush spread from her cheeks all the way to her hairline and collarbone.

_Why, oh why did I not read up on the customs and forms of payment for this town? Oh yes, I'd been rebelling against my parents by looking up Finnish grammar instead of the planet briefing on the Cortex before we landed. Drat! Drat, drat, drat!_

"Don't worry, River, I'll spot ya 'til ya get some cash," Kaylee offered, pulling a handful of coins from her pocket.

River smiled her thanks and made a mental note to pay Kaylee back at her first opportunity. Then she took a long sip of the wonderfully sweet, cool beverage before her. The carbonation slammed into her sinuses and she immediately began to cough.

Kaylee slapped River on the back as she finished a long draft of her own drink. "Superlative, ain't it?"

River's eyes watered as she nodded and took another, more careful sip.

Mary tried to give Kaylee her change back, but Kaylee shook her head.

"Keep it," Kaylee said, her eyes dancing. "Use it to buy Frankie some manners."

Mary and Ethan laughed, but Frankie frowned.

"Hey! I carried your cousin's heavy-ass trunk to that decrepit piece of _lo se_ you like to refer to as your car. Show a little respect, Frye!"

"Diana ain't _lo se_!" Kaylee protested. "See if I ever give your sorry _pi gu_ a lift again!"

"And you had help with that trunk, Hammond, remember?" Ethan corrected, almost as riled as Kaylee.

"Don't remind me!" Frankie said, rolling his eyes. "I did most of the work, slacker."

"No use remindin' you, 'cause it's just gonna go in one ear and out the other," Ethan retorted. "No question who got the short end of the 'brains' stick in your family, eh, Miss Mary?"

"Kaylee," River whispered as the boys launched into yet another round of sarcastic insults, "why did he call you 'Frye'? I thought your last name was Serra."

"'Cause even though she's my daughter, she had the good fortune to be another, slightly more respectable, couple's child," Mal said, sticking his face between Kaylee's and River's. "Time to go, girls. We gotta get home before Inara decides she wants my gizzard for dessert instead of these here poof-shaped sugar thing-a-ma-bobs. Oh yeah, I'm driving, so hand 'em over, Kaylee."

Kaylee reluctantly surrendered her keys to her father. She and River took a moment to quickly finish their drinks and say goodbye to the Hammond girls and Frankie and Ethan, who continued to bicker even as they were leaving the confectionery.

"Pop, you sure you want Momma to have a son?" Kaylee asked as she guided River to the passenger's side and slid into the back seat. "Seems to me they're more trouble than they're worth."

For the first time that day, River was grateful for the length and weave of her outfit and the added protection of her handwear. The leather seats and metal fittings were very, very hot.

Mal sighed dramatically as he turned over the engine. As River predicted, it protested for a few seconds before roaring to life. "Absolutely, little Kaylee. Can't take you womenfolk bossin' me 'round, drownin' me in all them female hormones for very much longer. Gonna unman me if I don't get another boy in the family soon, even if he does turn out to be like Hazard's favorite juvenile delinquent."

"Jayne Cobb's not that bad," Kaylee protested. "He's just misunderstood."

_And probably permanently punished by now_, River thought as she dabbed at her neck again with his mother's handkerchief.

Mal reached over to pat River's gloved hand. "Sorry 'bout the air-conditioning, little bit. Just another thing on the long list of 'to-fix' that Kaylee's got with regards to this junker."

"Diana's not a junker, Pop! An' I already told ya, I'm gettin' round to it!" Kaylee protested. "I fixed the brakes so's they stop now, didn't I?"

"Something for which I am extremely grateful," Mal replied, rolling down his window and indicating to River where the handle was so she could do the same.

"That's the general store, River," Kaylee pointed out as they sped down Main Street. "And over there's the drug store, and the market and Mel's Drive-In. It's so shiny! Did you ever eat at a place in the Core where you could just pull your car right up and they'd bring your food, like literally, to the door?"

"No," River replied, remembering the ornate restaurants that her parents brought their children to so they could show off Simon and River's exquisite table manners. She rather liked the look of the place with its cozy angles, fresh colors, and neon lights. She wondered if they took bankcards.

"Best burgers I've ever had!" Kaylee declared.

"Only burgers you've ever had," Mal countered.

_What is a burger?_ River thought.

"Maybe so," Kaylee said, refusing to lose any enthusiasm, "But they're still the best! Oooh, there's the bowling alley! You ever bowl, River?"

"No," River said, craning her head to view the sign as they passed, hoping for some clarity on what "bowling" entailed.

"Gosh, you sure are deprived!" Kaylee said with a sweet laugh. "Well ya just had yer first pop, so it's only a matter of time before we getcha in some snappy-lookin' shoes and rollin' that ball down the lane. You're gonna love it! Best bang for your pleasure bucks in this town!"

_Are we supposed to shoot deer there?_ River wondered.

"Little Kaylee only says that 'cause gets a discount on account she's the fastest and most reliable repair-girl for their pinsetters," Mal volunteered.

"And it's air-conditioned," Kaylee added with a grin.

River had no idea what a "pinsetter" was, but the idea of air-conditioning was more than welcome. The air blowing in the windows was helping some to cool her down, but it was still very hot and humid. Her feet were literally sweating inside their black leather flats. She was looking forward to a shower, a nap and dinner when they got to the house, in that order.

"Uncle Mal, Mrs. Cobb invited all of us to come to their home tomorrow for something called a 'bar-buh-cue'," River remembered, struggling to tuck a stray lock of wind-lashed hair behind her ear.

"All right!" Kaylee squealed, bouncing around in the back seat. "Mr. Cobb always cooks the best hot dogs, all nice and black and charred!"

"You eat dogs on Shadow?" River asked, more than a bit alarmed. She'd seen a listing for fresh Golden Labrador on one of the ship's menus, but her stomach turned over at the mere thought.

"Naw, just a figure of speech," Mal replied. "It's kind of a sausage-y dish, but the stuff they put in them – no denyin' it's mighty tasty – is almost as bad."

"Oh."

"I expect it'll take you some time to get your bearings, what with all this new vocabulary," Mal said with a companionable pat on her hand. "Feel free to ask questions, though. Kaylee's on the q-tip when it comes to the straight-up skinny."

River didn't understand one word of that last sentence, but she thought she got the gist of it.

She imagined it would take the withdrawal from her education to make her feel brainless, but this odd verbiage and syntax was making her feel more like Hazard's village idiot with every second that passed.

_Might as well get used to it. Ten weeks of survival in the wilderness before I can go home and spend some quality time with my librochips._

She glanced down at her lap and then back up at the street in time to glimpse a friendly little brick building covered in ivy before they flew by it.

"What was that?" she asked Kaylee.

"Local library," Kaylee replied. "Not bad for these parts. Also air-conditioned."

River felt a surge of covetousness slam into her gut.

"Don't even think about it," Mal cautioned, waggling a finger at her as he drove. "I have specific instructions not to let you anywhere near that place."

"Why, Pop?" Kaylee asked, plain curious.

"Because River is, to quote her mother, 'at all possible instances to be playing outside or engaging in other social activities – no books!'" Mal answered in a flawless imitation of his sister-in-law.

River would have laughed out loud if not for the faint ache in her heart. How could her father have forgotten his promise to arrange for a play-study exchange?

"Don't be gloomy, River," Kaylee said, resting her chin on the back of the seat next to her cousin's shoulder. "We're gonna have tons and tons of adventures. It'll be shiny, tracker's honor!"

River smiled at Kaylee as she made mental calculations as to how far the library was from the house, how long it might take to walk there, and how much water she'd have to carry with her to keep from dropping along the way from dehydration.

"I can smell what's cookin' in your brainpain, little bit," Mal said offhandedly as he turned onto a tree-lined road. "The librarian already has your image; you're not even allowed to set foot in that building."

_Drat! Double drat!_

"How did you know – ?" River asked, turning her head to look at her uncle.

"What you was thinking? Inara gets the same look on her face when she's plotting something. After five years of wedded bliss, I'm pretty sure I know my wife and all her tricks," Mal said smugly.

Kaylee stifled a giggle and River slid her eyes back to the road in front of them, careful to keep her face tranquil.

Obviously, there were things that "the women" in the family knew, did, or planned to do to which the lone male was not privy.

River felt a moment's satisfaction as she realized that she might be able to find a way around this ridiculous moratorium on printed material.

* * *

_lo se_ – garbage

_pi gu_ – backside (vulgar)


	4. Mare Imbrium - Part 3

Title: "Mare Imbrium, Part 3"  
Series: The Man in the Moon  
Author: Green Owl  
Word Count: 3,200+  
Pairing: River Tam + Jayne Cobb  
Rating: PG (River attempts to steal Shakespeare's _Sonnets_ and Zoe brandishes many, many guns)  
Summary: AU. River Tam meets the family and has her first none-Core dinner.

Disclaimer: I don't own or buy/sell/process this mind crack - I just abuse the hell out of it.

* * *

Minutes and miles passed before Uncle Mal turned ancient automobile off of the dirt road and pulled up to a building that was quite small by River's estimation.

It was two stories high, and painted a soft purple-blue that contrasted beautifully with the dark shingles on the roof and the white shutters that bracketed the window. A wide white porch wrapped around the entirety of the building, sporting a profusion of hanging baskets, dripping ferns and flowers. River could also see a white wooden swing attached to the rafters at the east end, and a set of white woven furniture arranged at the west.

A gorgeous, dark-haired, and hugely pregnant woman reclined on a padded chaise lounge, sipping a glass of water and reading a small book of verse.

"Hi, Momma!" Kaylee called, jumping out of the car and running around to open the trunk. "How're you an' my baby sister doin'?"

"Brother!" Mal corrected, opening River's door for her. "We ain't havin' another girl!"

"Hello, sweetheart, we're doing just fine," Inara called back as River ascended the porch steps. "Did your delusional father remember to pick up the circus peanuts as well as your cousin?"

"Keep your panties on, _bao bei_! They're right here!" Mal said, holding aloft the bag before he put it in his mouth to free up his hands so he could help Kaylee with River's trunk.

"If I'd have 'kept my panties on,' as you so graciously put it, we wouldn't be in this situation now, would we?" Inara replied with a serene smile before turning her attention to her niece. "Oh, River, what you must think of us. I must have changed so much since last we saw each other. You certainly have."

Five years was long enough for a little girl to grow into a young woman, but Inara Serra was just as River remembered: all grace, poise, and elegance, even while she was draped in a massive tent-like garment that did little to hide her ridiculously ripe abdomen.

River air-kissed her aunt on both cheeks and sank into a graceful pool of navy skirts, crinolines, and very, very damp petticoat. "I'm just happy to see you. You look so beautiful, _gū gu_."

"You're very sweet, _qiàn_, but I know I'm as large as a New Melbourne blue whale, no thanks to him," Inara said, indicating her husband as he and her adopted daughter hefted the trunk up the steps. "You must be tired, dear, and longing for a cool bath."

"I am," River admitted, not the least bit surprised at how easily her aunt deduced her needs. The woman had once been as sought after as a Companion as her father.

"And as soon as you return Shakespeare's _Sonnets_ to me, you may have one," Inara said softly, her eyes boring into River's.

River blushed scarlet as she held up the book which she'd attempted to stealth-filch from the table where her aunt had put it down.

Inara chuckled at her niece's embarrassment as she tucked an escaped lock of hair back from the girl's face. "Don't think it wasn't elegantly done, peaches, but I lived in sin with a petty thief for quite a while before I made an honest man of him. I don't pretend to know all of his tricks, but I do know that one."

"Oh."

Inara placed the book back on the table and folded her hands across her belly. "Your father sent me a wave a day ago, explaining his request for library privileges to be granted in trade for good behavior. I plan on abiding by his wishes, but you must promise me there will be no more attempts at text larceny. Do I have your word on this matter?"

"Yes, Aunt Inara," she replied, feeling her blush intensify.

River felt as if she'd spent most of the day either confused or blushing and she didn't like either of those feelings one bit. She frantically searched for a subject change as she directed her attention to the yard where an old tire hung from the branches of a massive oak tree that shaded the western side of the house.

"How did the trees grow so quickly?" she asked, curiosity overwhelming her shame.

"Shadow was one of the first worlds to be categorized and colonized as a pleasure planet," Inara answered. "The star-chitect decided it would be patterned after the North American continent in the 1950's, so the first thing they did after the atmosphere and water cycles were secured was to plant trees. That is one of the first ones ever affixed."

"And the tire?"

"Classic Americana," Inara said. "And Zoe likes it."

"Zoe?"

River froze as she felt something cold and plastic pressing against the skin behind her ear.

"Identify yourself," a firm, no-nonsense, and very young voice said behind her.

"Your name," Inara prompted silently, gentle laughter struggling to break free of her lips.

"River Nǚ-Shén Tam."

"Rank?"

River was again at a loss.

Inara made a subtle gesture, indicating the space between River and herself.

River caught on immediately. "Niece to Inara Serra."

"Serial number?"

"Age," Inara mouthed.

"Um, sixteen?" River ventured.

The pressure against her cerebellum eased and a small girl stepped around River and posed like some sort of 21st century western heroine.

She wore head-to-toe brown of varying shades that complimented her mocha skin and dark ringlets, and carried a pair of water guns in both hands. Another water pistol was strapped to her right thigh, and her belt held six large water balloons.

"Corporal Zoe Warren Alleyne, bodyguard to Mrs. Inara, ten years old," she said in a brisk voice. She shoved one of her two pistols into her pants and stuck out one of her small hands, but didn't smile. "Pleased to make your acquaintance, Miss River."

River took it cautiously. "Likewise, Miss Zoe."

"Just 'Zoe', please, Miss River," the girl corrected before pulling the second pistol from her trousers and re-arming herself.

"All quiet on the north side, Zoe?" Inara asked the girl in a solemn voice.

"Yes, ma'am," Zoe replied, snapping to attention. "Permission to patrol the south side?"

"Permission granted, Corporal Alleyne," Mal said, stepping out onto the porch and working his shoulders.

Zoe clicked her heels together and marched off to the other end of the porch.

"Bodyguard?" River asked Inara.

"Her parents used to run the garage in town. They fought on the losin' side in the War of Unification, died at Serenity Valley," Mal explained, his voice tight as he looked off in the direction the girl had gone. "We took her in and Inara outbid a Corebred _hundan_ who wanted to burn the family business to the ground because it had been owned by Browncoats. That way Zoe can inherit it free and clear, instead of having to pay the enormous taxes the Alliance placed on property belonging to Independents. Zoe has decided that she will work off her debt by acting as my wife's personal guard until she's of age."

The silence was as bitter as Mr. Cobb's remark had been, and River tasted it in the back of her mouth like the acrimonious watercress in Grandmother Serra's dainty tea sandwiches that she always tried to dispose of before she ate them.

_Good gracious, River Tam, sit up straight and eat what's on your plate._

_And no making faces, young miss._

_Remember, you are a lady and ladies eat what is put before them and do not ask questions._

* * *

"What is that?" River whispered to Kaylee as they sat down to dinner that night.

The platter that graced the center of the table bore a large chunk of brown meat surrounded by what looked like roasted root vegetables. A serving bowl sat on one side of it and featured carrots, onions, and some green sliced morsels that River vaguely recognized as celery. A gravy boat completed the dinnertime triad.

"Pot roast," Kaylee whispered back in an excited tone as she slid her napkin onto her lap. "Pop's specialty!"

Mal picked up a large knife and a two-pronged instrument, and was about to cut the meat as Zoe bowed her head and prayed in a quick, brusque tone:

"Bless-us-oh-Lord-for-the-cow-and-taters-and-veggi es-that-died-so-the-Independents-may-rise-again-Am en!"

"Gorramit! Beat me to the carvin' again!" Mal said in a mock-exasperated tone as Inara and Kaylee snickered behind their hastily folded hands.

"Just because you're a heathen doesn't mean I have to be one, sir," Zoe replied, looking at him steadily as she tucked her napkin into the front of her shirt.

"You've been hangin' 'round Preacher Book too long, Corporal," Mal warned, serving his wife, Kaylee, and then River some pot roast. "Better see to that, Inara, before she goes on jihad and kills us all in our sleep!"

"Pop's an atheist, Mom's a Buddhist, I'm agnostic," Kaylee explained to River _sotto voce_.

Inara rolled her eyes as she reached for the gravy boat and substantially anointed everything on her plate. "Yes, she's a Believer, Mal. No, I don't think Zoe would murder us for the glory of her God."

"Correct, Mrs. Serra," Zoe said, her expression rigid and severe. "God never condones murder done in His name and those who do will burn in Special Hell for all eternity along with child molesters and people who talk at the theater."

River smiled quietly as she helped herself to vegetables, intrigued by Zoe's expression of such antiquated beliefs.

"Whew!" Mal said, wiping his brow with the back of his hand before cutting into the roast again. "Guess I'm going, then. I can't never seem to shut up during them romantic comedies! How many slices, Alleyne?"

"Two, please, sir," Zoe replied. "By the way, sir, Preacher Book says that God has a Select Heaven for those who do not judge others, but let them live their lives and do for others, regardless of consideration for profit. Based on my studies, sir, you, Mrs. Inara, and Kaylee have a very good chance of going to Select Heaven."

"What about River?" Mal asked, playing along with the serious tone as he served her.

"Reconnaissance has yet to be completed," Zoe replied, staring at River. "Early reports indicate that even though she is from the Core, she does have some redeeming qualities such as good posture and a firm handshake. No pre-emptive strikes required as of yet."

"That's tremendous, Alleyne, tremendous! See, lil' bit, no need to fret 'bout the corporal water-bombin' ya in the middle of the night!" Mal said as he gestured to the platter. "Make sure ya get some vegetables. Them' fresh from the garden. Ma Cobb's boys, Matty and Jayne, brought 'em over today, along with the carrots an' onions."

River carefully selected and placed one of the smaller pieces of the starchy solid on her plate as Mal, Inara and Kaylee smiled at her with encouragement. Zoe's face remained expressionless. It was somewhat awkward, having the entire family watch her like they were now, but then she compared the contents of her plate to theirs and understood.

They had all piled their plates up very high with sustenance, and River had about enough to fit inside of her fist.

She spooned two more "taters" onto her plate, then added half a carrot and a quarter of an onion just to make the white space less obvious.

Zoe's voice cut through the silence again. "Miss River also put her napkin on her lap without being reminded and has not begun eating before Mrs. Inara, so I suppose there may be some hope for her yet."

Mal gave the youngest person at the table a lopsided smile. "Well, you tell the preacher that I find such teachings to be right shiny in my book."

"Yes, sir," Zoe said, and placed her hand on her fork, ready to eat as soon as Inara took a bite.

"Momma's picked up her fork," Kaylee said, nudging River. "Dig in!"

Rive, unused to such plain speech, but strangely able to comprehend it, looked down at the contents of her dinner plate with some trepidation. The cluttered grouping of protein and starch and deluge of gravy threatening to drip off of the rim was wholly alien to her.

Tam family dinners usually consisted of some kind of lean meat and three or more sautéed vegetables, all artfully arranged. Her plate contained two slices of the "pot roast," plus three boiled new potatoes and a serving of the vegetable medley, all of it swimming in what Kaylee referred to as "Serra's Special Sauce" while she'd poured it on top of River's food.

River wondered briefly if she might had inadvertently triggered the "no dinner" clause for attempting to make off with Aunt Inara's book.

_Surely people do not each such untidy fare?_

She looked up and saw that her aunt, uncle and cousins were eating their victuals with evident relish, so she smiled grimly and picked up her knife and fork. She carefully whittled off a perfect crescent moon-shaped bite from the pot roast and slipped it into her mouth.

It was an inferior cut of meat, but the hours of slow cooking and thyme seasoning had rendered the beef quite tender and wonderfully tasty. River sliced herself another delectable mouthful, nearly forgetting her mother's admonishments to eat slowly lest she make a hog of herself in front of her relations, and thereby shaming both her family and her upbringing in the process.

_If this is what the food would be like for the rest of my stay, perhaps this exile would not be so terrible after all._

* * *

The room where Kaylee and Uncle Mal had placed her trunk was a tiny cupboard compared to her bedchamber at home, but River loved it as soon as she saw it.

It was so comfortable and so pretty that she couldn't help but feel at ease in the snug surroundings, even though she could barely manage to wedge the emptied trunk under the north window.

The walls were painted a soft shade of green. A pair of lacy half-curtains shielded the lower half of the windows, and a fringe of different lace framed the tops. The bed was narrow, but it was soft and comfortable, and covered in a white, purple and emerald quilt that seemed to have been handmade according to the uneven construction and the irregular stitching. The wooden floor was painted white, and rag rugs dotted important spots, such as the space before the double dresser and the place where her feet would land when she woke up in the morning.

River's favorite part of the room was the small white writing desk that sat before the window facing west. Aunt Inara had thoughtfully placed a stationery set, some stamps, and a pen in one of the drawers so River could write letters home to her parents and her brother. She was grateful for the show of trust; twenty sheets of paper were better than none.

After dinner she went upstairs and changed out of her evening dress into her nightgown, intent on writing Simon and Daddy about her first day in exile, including the bizarre foods and beverages, unusual turns of phrases, and the very peculiar, unusually pious adopted cousin-in-law who liked to threaten people with water pistols.

Unfortunately, she had underestimated the toll that traveling had taken on her body. The letter went unwritten as she prepared for bed, washing her face, brushing her teeth, and curling up with Chang Ngo on top of the quilt.

Nighttime on Shadow was cooler, but not enough to make the pretty upstairs bedroom a desirable sleeping location. River tried her hardest not to think about perspiring as she watched the curtains undulate in the warm phantom breeze that barely managed to lift strands of her hair.

She had finally resigned herself to trying to nod off amidst a pool of her own sweat when Kaylee lightly knocked and cracked open the door.

"I'm gonna sleep out on the back porch," she said, indicating the bedding she held in her arms. "Wanna come? It's loads cooler!"

River thought about it for one brief moment before she gathered up Chang Ngo, a light blanket, and her pillow, and followed Kaylee downstairs.

"What about Zoe?" River whispered as Kaylee tiptoed down the hall and slid past the screen door. "Won't she want to sleep down here?"

"Sakes, no!" Kaylee whispered back as she spread her blanket over one of the two napping beds on the back porch. "Says she's in training and 'all hardships must be endured' or else she'll become soft."

"She's quite zealous," River said, spreading her own blanket over the other bedstead.

"Wait 'til you meet her best friend, Wash," Kaylee said, sliding in between her sheets. "He's quite the character. Ya'd think a ten year-old boy wouldn't wanna have nothin' to do with a ten year-old girl, but they get along like corn an' lima beans."

"Lima beans?"

"Momma says they're an acquired taste," Kaylee confided, flipping her braid onto the pillow. She then reached over and pulled the chain to turn off an old floor lamp that had been relegated to the back porch because it had surrendered the fight against rust. "Though, me, I'm still wonderin' when I'll acquire it."

"Oh." River slipped in between the sheets and slowly lifted and spread her hair across the pillow, weary in a way that dancing had never made her. But even though she was exhausted, she knew she could not fall asleep until everyone else in the vicinity had already done so.

She was used to the flavors of the people at home – her parents, her brother, Mrs. Dao, and the staff that had been with them for many, many years. These new life forms were unfamiliar to her palate and her nervous system couldn't seem to quiet completely in their presence.

River could feel Aunt Inara and Uncle Mal in the next room over as they slept nestled like spoons, with enough space between them for air to circulate, but not so much that they were completely apart. Their touching was intimate and tender, and it made River feel like she was intruding on something she had no right to feel.

Upstairs, the little corporal's iron control remained firm even in slumber as River sensed unshed tears being swallowed deep down.

Those three were silent enough, but Kaylee's drowsy warmth still itched in River's sensitized forehead.

River turned her head towards Kaylee and saw that she was gazing up at the waxing gibbous lunar body that hung low in the sky.

"What's its name?" River asked.

"What?" Kaylee muttered.

"The satellite," River said softly. "What's its name?"

Kaylee rolled onto her stomach, settling her body into her favorite sleep position. "'Luna', but we just call her 'the moon.' Star-chitects tried to make her as close to the real thing as possible, craters 'n all. Can see a face if you squint…"

The names of the craters belonging to the moon of Earth-That-Was drifted sluggishly across River's mind, soft and light as summer leaves floating down an indolent stream.

_Mare Imbrium..._

_Mare Serenitatis..._

_Sinus Aestuum..._

_Mare Nubium..._

_Mare Cognitum..._

River felt her restlessness finally settling down as Kaylee's sunbeams faded into the moonlight.

As she gazed up at the sky through the screen that kept the insects away, for a moment she thought she might have seen the Man in the Moon.

It was not the hawkish profile of Thoth, but a man's face, jolly and jovial, smiling down on her as if he knew what was to come during these next ten weeks.

River cuddled Chang Ngo close and wondered what adventures awaited her on this strange part of the 'verse as she drifted into unconsciousness.

* * *

_bao bei_ – sweetheart

_gū gu_ – aunt

_qiàn_ – niece

_hundan_ – bastard


End file.
